Koolaide Moustache in Jonestown

Don Salsa

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Finally! Hear it again for the first time. The first and only lobe demolishing album, composed and produced while still in high school, by Tim Smolens (Dr. Rich Appleman), Jason Schimmel (Rabbi Larry Wong), Doug Smolens (the Poo project), Father Agar Agar (Jeff Atridge), and Officer Pancake (Rob Hondrick). Considering the mysterious genesis and the content being far more advanced than their age or level of study would inidicate, Don Salsa has become a bonafide historical enigma. Out of print for many years now, Don Salsa's sole proclamation (album), "Koolaide Moustache in Jonestown," is finally available again exclusively on my website as a download only.  

Koolaide Moustache in Jonestown" boasts an indescribable collision of brutal disharmonic metal riffs, extra terrestrial musical forms, aesthetically acceptable odd-time signature utilization (free from the stench of mullet prog), Italian/Russian/Chinese musical tri-fusions including novel new genre forging such as Chinese Death Metal, inscrutably dense and dynamic noise walls, inappropriately timed original 80's-style glam metal ballads, gay new age music, poppy Rod Stewart stalker medleys, and lengthy misanthropic/animal-centric manifestos (Chicken). With the first song (The Deck) clocking in at over 30 minutes and changing styles constantly without ever really repeating, the listener is in for a wild ride (if they can handle it without emesis, elevated intracranial pressure, or having an existential crisis). These songs are overdubbed with hundreds of tracks crammed together by repeatedly mixing the tracks from 14 down to 2 on two ADAT (primitive 8 track digital recorders), which would free up 12 more tracks to keep doing the same.  This may be the most elaborate (pre-DAW) home recording of all time. 

"Koolaide Mustache in Jonestown" is Tim's most audacious and extreme work as a producer. If you are a fan of Naked City, or Disco Volante-era Mr. Bungle, you will likely enjoy this album, even with all its immaturity and blatant, hat-tipping mimicry (no pun intended). Give 'em a break, cut 'em some slack, after all,  they were in high school and this is their first record. Lets hear your high school recordings!

CAUTION !?! Listen carefully! Herein lies Don Salsa's "Koolaide Mustache in Jonestown." Chances are you're dealing with something that you cannot rationally comprehend. The category is "everything" and the tunes aren't like anything, rendering classification basically futile. The introductory tune (The Deck) is a 33 minute, non-repeating, unrelenting, blistering journey of sadistic auditory ecstasy. In order to avoid compromising their questionable artistic integrity, Don Salsa's debut was recorded without the assistance of a record company. Yes, hammered out solely by the band, this was the only way to ensure the final product honored the man's potently unique vision. That and the fact that no record company on earth would sign these guys. With future musical endeavors likely to be more contemptuously palatable and commercially viable, this album is gaming to be completely unreproducible live. 

Don Salsa's revolving back door band is/was a thick and diverse lone entourage of heaping,  half well-rounded, latently smiling, disgruntlement. Unless you possess and wield enlightened yet masochistic auditory faculties, we must emphatically encourage you NOT to indulge in this sound recording. It has been known to cause various and long lasting cerebral discomforts. The initial CD release (1997), was supposed to contain complimentary packets of extra strength Tylenol. This none of a kind recording will never reach mainstream gross circulation. With current and ex-members actively campaigning against their own creation, they're sure to go multi-platinum with the Doc's brilliantly envisioned reverse-scaled record sales success system, where the fewer the records sold translates into greater personal transcendental success.   With the majority of contributing band members honorably relieved of their duty, no one knows what the future holds for the battered Salsa emissaries. Who will step up and contribute? Apparently all work has ceased on their follow up release, which was said to be titled "Behind Every Able Man, There Are Other Able Men," which was to contain unexpectedly tender, improvised homosexual ballads sung as a duet. Did this turn some members off?

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  1. 1 The Deck 31:54
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  2. 2 Rod Stew Art 00:53
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  3. 3 Raul's Men 00:06
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  4. 4 They Are Not Allowed To Having Sex 00:04
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  5. 5 Untitled 03:29
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  6. 6 12 + 1 00:04
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  7. 7 El Stronzolo 06:24
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  8. 8 The Bathroom Trio 00:37
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  9. 9 Ceylon March O'Roon 02:25
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  10. 10 Ode To The Moustache 00:38
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  11. 11 Raul's Men (2nd Cavalry) 00:06
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  12. 12 The Have To Praying All The Time 00:04
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  13. 13 Utforsalgningahumerapickle 02:14
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  14. 14 Rye Chip Hell 04:47
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  15. 15 Chicken 17:02
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  16. 16 Crack Grannies 00:29
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  17. 17 Il Tuo Sangue Vogio Ber 00:04
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  18. 18 Che Non Debba Morire 00:04
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  19. 19 F@&% Me Up My Butt 03:39
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